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January 20, 2006

友の死に想う~あったかい記憶を手繰って~

友人の死の知らせから、記憶の糸を手繰り寄せてはみたものの、なにやら小骨が喉のあたりにひっかかっているかのようで、どうにもこうにも釈然としない。情報の消化不良のせいだろうと思っていたのだが、再びメールBOXを漁ってみると、送信者の表示名違いで彼女からの2,3のメールが沈んでいた。早速拾い上げてみると、彼女からの最後のメールは03年の夏ではなく11月初冬。そして最後に会ったのも5年以上前ではなく、03年秋、7年ぶり一夜限りのバンド再結成ライブであった。ライブハウスは当時から時計が止まっているかのような雰囲気で、メンバーもお客さんも当時のまま、そして同じくタバコの煙と同じメロディに包まれ同じ時を共有していたからだろうか、どうも記憶の時系列の糸が絡み合って混乱していたようだ。

彼女との最後のメールのやりとりを読み返してみた。

> DEAR YATCH !
> おかえりなさい!!!!
>
> あの再結成の夜から
> 気持ちを言葉にするのにこんなに
> 時間がかかってしまいました
> 行って聴いてあの瞬間を体験できて
> 本当に幸せものでした
> ありがとうYATCHI !
> みんなのYATCHの前に進んでいく力を
> 受け取れた気がします
> 出会えたこと 本当に本当に
> 幸せに思います
> 表現の形はそれぞれ違うけれど
> 真ん中には愛があるってこと
> 再確認しました
> ほんとにみんな素敵!です!
> 素敵な瞬間をありがとう
> YATCHのこれからに
> 私からもエールを送ります

そして私の返信

> YATCHです。メールありがとう!
>
> 23日は僕も心から楽しめました。
> お互いこの7年の間にはいろいろあったとしても、
> またああやって同じ空間を同じメロディで共有できるってのは、
> 何度考えてもすごいことだなあと思います。
> そしてまたあのメロディを心に響かせて、
> それぞれがそれぞれの道を進んでいくんだよね。
>
> ホント、生きてるって、それだけでたまらなく素敵だなあと、
> 改めて感じさせられるLIVEになったと思います。
> 本当にありがとう。
> これからも表現者であり続けます。
>
> それにしてもたまにはゆっくり飲みたいねえ。

結局、彼女とはその後いっしょに飲むことはなかったけど、こうして読み返してみて、なんかこう、あったかい気持ちになってきた。

振り返れば、本当にあったかい人だった。あったかい記憶に導かれるまま、メールBOXでは飽き足らず、寒い部屋の押入れの奥に収納してあるダンボールを引っぱり出してみた。引越しのときくらいしか開けないものだが、どうにもなぜか捨てられないガラクタなどと共に、10年以上も前の懐かしくて恥ずかしい昔の写真やら手紙やらがぎっしりと詰まっている。

当時学生だった彼女は、学生が中心となったインディーズレーベルに参加していて、そこでうちのバンドのシングルCDを作ることになり、それがきっかけでスタッフとしてもいろいろと手伝ってくれるようになった。当時歌っていた自分の歌の歌詞に登場する高校時代飼っていた元捨て猫のミック(はい。ミック・ジャガーからとりました)の名前を取って、彼女も飼い猫にミックと名付けてくれたことや、一時メンバーとくっ付いたり別れたりのすったもんだ、そしてアメリカ放浪の旅で彼女の彼氏を訪ねたことなど、彼女の写真や手紙を見つけるたびに、埃っぽく古い紙のにおいと共に、あったかい記憶のページが次から次へと重なり合って、かじかんだ心を暖めていく。部屋の寒さなんかすっかり忘れていた。

彼女のほかにも、たくさんの写真、手紙を読み返してみて、当時お世話になった人たちの声がすぐドアの向こうから聞こえてくるようであった。みんな今どこで何をしているんだろう。風の便りなどで何人かはしっているが、ほとんどもう音信不通である。中には、数年前やはり突然若くして亡くなってしまった女の子からの手紙もあった。

本当に、みんなあったかい人たちばかりだった。高校を出てすぐ上京し右も左もわからない田舎者でいきがってバカばかりやってどうしようもなかった自分を、みな温かく迎えてくれた。出会いには恵まれていたと思う。素敵な人々に囲まれて、とても居心地のいい空間だったのに、自分はあえてそこから離れる道を選んだ。「とってもありがとう!だけどさよなら」と旅に出た。生きてさえいれば、どこかでまた会えると思っていた。

いつも前ばかり向いて歩いていると、道端に咲く美しい花や草木や虫達を知らずに踏みつけてしまうように、大切な人の愛に気付けなかったり、傷つけて知らずに笑っていたりする。これまでどれだけの人の気持ちを踏み躙って生きてきたのだろう。時には立ち止まったり、後ろを振り返ったりして、心を澄ませば聞こえてくる大切な人々の声に耳を傾け自己を見つめ直すべきではないかと、そして再びお互いの生命を確かめあいたいと思っていながら、気がつくとまた大切な人がひとり、記憶の中で出会うことしか出来なくなってしまった。

一昨日の電話で昨年の7月に亡くなっていたということをしったときは本当に驚いた。とても残念に思ったし、これまで約半年もその死をしらなかったということが、とても悔しくもあった。死因は肺炎と聞いた。映像クリエイターとして独立した後、頑張りすぎてしまったようだ。表現者として新しい道を歩きはじめていた彼女と、再び会って話をしたかった。しかし、それまでの毎日、一体どれだけ彼女のことを考えていたというのだろうか、どれだけ自分の心の中で生きていたというのだろうか。しかし、不思議なもので、彼女の死の知らせから、私の中で彼女の声が、新しい意味を持って語り始めた。彼女は新たに生き始めた。たとえ遅れても、こうして彼女の死を知ることが出来たからである。知らせてくれて、本当に感謝している。ありがとう、たけちゃん。

きっとこれからも、死はこのように突如としてやってくるのだろう。大切な人たちにも、そして自分自身にも。それが果たしていつなのかは誰にもわからないが、生きている限り、誰一人として逃れることが出来ないものだから、こうして死と向きあう時間を大切にしていきたい。彼女の死から、今生かされてここにある命の有難さに、改めて気付かされた。本当に、たくさんのことを教えられたような気がする。「死」を見つめることは、やはり「生」を考えることだった。

ありがとう、さわちゃん。
IMGP5440
*1993年撮影

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Comments

YATHC
身近な人や親友が亡くなったとき。とりわけ、その訃報をしばらくしてから知らされたときほど心に重く圧し掛かってくることはありません。
私も久しく会っていなかった恩人が事故で亡くなったことを後になって知らされたことがありました。悔やまれることでしょう。それが自分の人生を振り返るきっかけとなります。
おそらく、その人の死はYATHCの心に無言であっても何がしかのメッセージを与えたのだと思います。それは、その人の命の何千分の一かを分け与えた頂いたことなのだと私は考えています。YATHCのこれからの人生において、これからも多くの人の死を受け入れることになるでしょう。その人たちの気持ちを自分の心の片隅へ大切に仕舞って元気に生きて行きましょう。私もそうしています。

おこがましいことを書きました。御容赦願います。死者を持ち上げることが大事なのではありません。この世は生きている人々が生活を営んでいるのですから。
共に前向きに生きて進みましょう。

Posted by: wattan. | January 21, 2006 at 02:11 AM

知らせを受け取ってからずっと毎日ひとりになると、溢れ出てきてしまう涙。
どうして、こんないい子を神様はこんなに早く連れてっちゃったんだろう!?
欠点を探そうったってひとつも見つからないくらい、さわちゃんはいい子だったよね。
『まっすぐで、明るくて、優しくて、思いやりがあって、あったかくって、頑張り屋で、努力家で、頭も良くって、可愛いくってさ・・・・・』

でも、ヤッチの日記読ませてもらって、
『不思議なもので、彼女の死の知らせから、私の中で彼女の声が、新しい意味を持って語り始めた。彼女は新たに生き始めた。』
という言葉に私も共感しました。
だから、さわこの分まで生きなきゃって今思っています。
そしてwattanさんのメッセージにもお礼を申し上げます。
「その人の命の何千分の一かを分け与えた頂いた」のだから、
その想いを胸に元気になり足元をしっかり見つめながら生きて行きたいとあらためて思います。

最後に一言、wattanさん、あの時、元気に日本に帰れて本当によかったです・・・・。

Posted by: TAKE | January 23, 2006 at 12:15 AM

wattan,

ありがとう。そう言ってくれて嬉しいです。やはり亡くなった人を悼む時間というのは、今生きている人にとってとても大切なんだと思います。たくさんの命を心に抱き、お互いこれからもしっかり生きていきましょう。

TAKEちゃん、

コメントありがとう。悲しくもあるけど、お互い納得がいくまで、さわちゃんのこと思い出してみてもいいと思います。ほんと、さわちゃんに出会えてよかったなあ、って思う。そして、TAKEちゃん再びゆっくり話せたことも、有り難いことだなあって思えるんだよね。では、今度またゆっくり話せたら嬉しいです。

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